These poems were mostly written in 1987 while recovering in Clifton, Bristol, in England. It heralded the start of a huge change for me, and I felt broken. The love of my life had just come to a messy end, and I’d been hitting the LSD too hard. Things felt beyond my control, and I now had to learn how to wait out the wounds for the first time. I began to write, to compensate for the anxiety and emotional state that I was struggling with.

Bullets of Madness

I’m standing awaiting

caught in commotion

as the voices call through a veil

I hear them and fear them

even need rescuing

they make me aware of the nail

that drives through our senses

when alone it commences

to obsess me in sweet delusions

the nail it pierces

my heart as it fleeces

the last of courage from my mansion

as I tasted the apple

I quaked and my rattle

fell out from my innocent hand

I learnt of your lessons

obeyed your deceptions

and was made to fit into your plans

and now I can feel

the noise of the void

as the motion slows to a halt

feels like I’m dying

I’m scared of trying

to make sense just to please them all

I was shot down

as the black limousine

slowed to a glistening halt

the devil climbed out

his gestures obscene

my fears all came bleeding out

I knew he would laugh

as I fell to the ground

he had won the final bout

shot with bullets of madness

or bullets of sadness

my heart ached ‘til it wanted to stop

I can’t understand you

my mind burns with fire

I always just wished to belong

alone is no home

just broken desire

I’ve been shot down for being in love